“We must be Relentless in our will to live, our faith that we will overcome, and our hope that no one will ever have to endure cancer treatment again.”

This is a blog I have put off writing for a bit because I haven’t been able to sit down with a clear head and express my feelings the way I want to. Well, it has been two weeks since the passing of Nate Shatsoff and I find myself thinking of him often, and I knew the time to write has come…

When hearing of a newly diagnosed cancer patient, most people immediately feel for that person; even more people feel when the patient is 21 years old and has stage four colon cancer; and even more people than that, feel when the patient has been a good friend for many years.

I met Nathan in Mrs. Proto’s math class in the sixth grade on the White Team at North Haven Middle School. I’ll never forget one of our first conversations…

“Nate, I’m very fond of you.” His face, slightly flushed with a look of confusion stuttered, "uhh thanks Jess, I um, I guess I’m fond of you too.” His facial expression was more than enough evidence to let me know that the word I had just used was clearly not okay, so I quickly replied, “Wait, what exactly does fond mean Nate?” What seemed like a sigh of relief came right before his very serious definition of the word fond; “It’s like basically being in love with something.” I immediately blurted out, “Oh my god I’m so sorry Nate!!! I totally just meant to say that I’m uhhh, I’m a big fan of yours, I mean, I uh think you’re a great friend.”

           Bright red and feeling like the biggest moron ever, I had spilled my own secret; I had my first middle school crush. Ever since that day, Nate and I remained good friends, occasionally joking about my dumb comment back in the day. We weren’t really in the same group of friends throughout middle and high school, but I still considered him a good friend, and always admired the way he carried himself, his consistent positive attitude, and his wonderful personality. 

With everyone going their separate ways after high school, my friendship with Nate went from the standard hallway conversations and possible run-in at the same party, to an occasional chat on Facebook and chance of being in the same place at the same time during Christmas and/or summer break.

Fast forward a couple of years to the day my best friend and I were driving around town on a beautiful spring day with the windows down, music blasting, without a care in the world. She lowered the volume for a second and told me she heard some news about a friend of ours, but wasn’t supposed to say anything. I obviously begged her to tell me, and once she did, I wish I never asked. “Amanda called me yesterday and told me Nate was just diagnosed with stage four colon cancer and they don’t know what’s going to happen.

I remember not being able to hear anything after that and having a million question, but not being able to form sentences. With the tears running down my face, I was able to snap out of it and asked if he was going to be okay. Not knowing what was going to happen to him, what could happen, why this happened; ate at me for a while. I was too afraid to say anything to him, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by reminding him that he had cancer, but I wanted to help him, someway, somehow.

Nate started blogging shortly after I found out about what was going on. He would update his blog with how he was feeling, where he was, the progress of his treatment and so forth. I found myself waiting for a post, never to hear the bad news, just to feel connected to him in some way. He ended a post in January 2010 with, 

“This is my journey and it is no longer time to feel sorry for myself. It is time to give back and if the day comes when it's my time, then it will be when I have given everything I could, my knowledge, compassion, and spirit are what I will leave behind. I want to spread my attitude to those in the same situation as me. It may not look good, and there is way too much that is uncertain, but impossible is not in my vocabulary. I know I can do this, I will fight this battle and it will end when I say it's over, this disease will have to do its worst, I am not a professional athlete, I do not have to be the strongest because I am RELENTLESS.”

That right there was the Nate that I admired so much, proving over and over that his positive attitude was like none other. That post made me feel that it was okay to talk with him about his situation, and let him know I was thinking of him.

One late January night, I found myself sitting in bed freaking out about homework, boys, friends, and feeling pretty shitty about myself – ya know, the usual girl drama. School wasn’t going so well and had me feeling like I wanted to give up. I was Facebook stalking – per usual – and started reading one of Nate’s latest blogs. By the end of it, I was bawling my eyes out. Here I was, hating life because of school, and then there was Nate – who had the most positive attitude as an awful disease was taking over his body. Something was seriously wrong with that picture. I wiped my tears (if you haven’t been able to tell, I'm quite the sap) and started writing a message to him. I first told him that I thought of him and prayed for him daily, then told him how inspirational he was. I explained how although my daily battles could never match up to his, I used his words of inspiration to get me through my own problems. I received his response a few hours later;

         

Jess, I'll admit I'm a bit speechless after reading your message. I can't even put into words how much this means to me. I truly appreciate the love and support. Life is crazy and we all have our own battles and demons to conquer on a daily basis, but there's nothing you can't handle because it's all a learning experience. Thank you so much again for the message, sometimes it's difficult to keep going, but knowing I have an entire army of amazing people behind me (including you!) it makes things much easier. If you ever need anything at all, even just to vent, don't ever hesitate! Love always, Nate

Typical Nate, offering an ear to hear me vent about my nonsense when he had something much bigger on his plate. I will forever cherish that message.

 

          You were an amazing person Nathan. Your RELENTLESSness is admirable, and provides me with the strength to get through things I don't think I can. I hope you are resting easy knowing that you have left behind your knowledge, compassion, and spirit. You have touched the hearts of so so many - many who didn’t even have the pleasure of knowing you, and because of that, your legacy will forever live on and you will never ever be forgotten.

All my love…

Jessica

I urge everyone to be Relentless in everything that they do. Please visit http://www.relentlessagainstcancer.org/ for more information. Any and all donations are more than appreciated by the organization, the family and friends of Nate Shatsoff. Take a stand against cancer. I'm relentless, are you?