This trip has taught me many things about life, love, happiness, culture, parenting; the list can go on and on. But amongst these, a mixture of culture and happiness has been the most prominent.
American culture teaches us some funny things. There is a common phrase – fake it till you make it. Have you ever really given thought as to what that truly means? I have. I believe that it means having to fake your feelings, the things you do, the way you act; just to make people think you are content, successful, knowledgeable, positive, experienced... When in reality, you usually don’t have a damn clue how to act, feel, do... But as long as long as you give off the perception that you're any one or more of these adjectives then you're doing just fine. Why have we made this phrase such a culturally-known, vital standard to live by? Is faking it really better? I’m sure in some cases it can work to your advantage; however, it doesn’t in mine…
It has always been a running joke in my group of friends that I am the most outspoken, straight forward, bitch that most people have the pleasure of meeting. I take pride in that. Anyone who has met me knows that I’ll give it to you straight, without fear of hurting your feelings. I have to admit that I’ve grown a bit soft over the years, probably due to my best friend who has calmed me down, thanks. If I don’t like you, the things you do or say, you’ll know it. I don’t believe in faking it. Well I came to Italy having a certain expectation of what I would be doing and it just hasn’t turned out that way. In the beginning I had a rougher time because I wasn’t adjusted, but now, I believe I am adjusted. But what really does adjusted mean? By definition; adjusted is a verb meaning to alter or move something slightly in order to achieve the desired fit, appearance, or result – to adapt or become used to a new situation. I guess in some aspects, I am adjusted to being here, but does one ever become fully adjusted to something? Perhaps. Will I ever become fully adjusted living in another country without my family and friends? Maybe. Am I willing to find out how long it takes? No. Am I faking it till I make it? YES.
Viky sat me down the other night, looked me in the eye and said, “I know you are not happy here, and I don’t want you to be afraid to tell me that.” In all honestly, being here has a lot of positives; exploring new places, trying new things, learning a new language, eating delicious food and shopping, but it also has negatives; it just hasn’t lived up to my expectations and I am more homesick than I could have ever imagined. She told me that she knows I am trying to be positive and stick this out till December when I am supposed to return home for a few weeks, but she asked me if it’s really worth it. She proceeded to tell me that no one is forcing me to be here and that I am free to leave whenever I would like to. She told me that when she went to the states, if she didn’t have a real job with a contract that required her to stay, she would have been back to Italy in two months. She knows exactly how I am feeling, all too well. She went on to tell me a story;
“There was this woman working at the reception desk at Yale who I did not like at all. She was an absolute bitch and I hated her. So, when I came in to work every day, I walked by her like she wasn’t there. I didn’t say hi to her, I didn’t even acknowledge her. I found JJ trying to explain that I was from a different country and cultures are different and to not take it offensively but, I didn’t like her and I wasn’t going to fake it by saying hi to her, there was just no point. Everyone looked at me like I was such a bitch, like oh my God how could you act that way? I was being me. I was acting the only way I knew how. Now, there’s a woman working in my office that I don’t like, go figure, and it is known throughout the office that we don’t like each other. We don’t say hi, we don’t smile, we don’t acknowledge each other and it’s perfectly normal and acceptable. In Italy, you are respected more for being real and honest than you are for faking it because it’s the ‘right thing to do.’ No. the right thing to do is to be real with yourself and everyone else.”
She was right. I need to stop faking it because that’s what the American culture tells me to do. No one says I need to stick it out because it’s the right thing to do. No one says I have to stay here any longer than I want to. I know this is a phenomenal experience giving me a lot of potential opportunities but is it really for me? I am the only one who can decide that…
Therefore, we have been throwing the idea around of going home early. I have been going back and forth wondering if I am going to make the right decision by leaving. Am I just being a baby, am I really that unhappy? Will it get better if I stay? Am I going to kick myself in the ass in 10 years for going home? The answer to those questions can honestly go either way. Stephen told me, ultimately, you're going to make a decision about this and ultimately there are going to be great things that come from it and bad things that will come from it. Don’t focus on what could have been, put more of your energy towards what you're appreciative of because of the decision. He is so right. How would I have ever known if I could succeed at this if I never tried? I give myself a lot of credit for coming out here in the first place. A lot of people I know wouldn’t have even made it on the plane.
No definite decisions have been made yet, but I will keep everyone posted. My advice to those who read this; ask yourself, are you faking something? Are you truly happy with what you’re doing, where you are in your life, the person you are? If not, change it. Who cares what anyone says or thinks. You are the most important person in your life and you hold the keys to your own success and happiness. Think about it…
Till next time - I wish you all the best, God Bless.
XOXX ~ JLI
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