"All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage and I promise you something great will happen."

As most of you know, I am back in the homeland!

After my last blog, I did a lot of thinking about the decision I was about to make. When it came down to it, and all the positives and negatives were on the table, home was where I was supposed to be.  So, I called Lisa and my flight was booked, just like that. I can honestly say that I wish I could have stuck it out longer, made friends, traveled more, but Italy isn’t going anywhere and neither was my homesickness. I can always go back with friends, a significant other, family, etc. and get to do the things that I wasn’t able to do. Being miserable and too far away from my people was taking a ridiculous toll on me emotionally, and I knew that going home was the right decision.

Nearly a month since making the big decision, I can say that I have been reminded so many times that the decision I made was the best one, for everyone. I am so happy to be home and so much more appreciative of what I have here. I never thought that I would miss North Haven, Connecticut as much as I did. Although American’s are a bunch of adjectives I don’t want to list, this is my home, and I have never been more proud of it. Some days, I find myself missing things about Italy, but there is always something else that reassures me that being home is what I want.

SO, now that I am home, I am working like a maniac. Selling shoes at Aldo in the Milford Mall, selling sunglasses at Solstice in the Westfarms Mall, and most importantly, spending a few days a week with two boys who will forever hold very large pieces of my heart; Gavin & Garrett. When I am not working, I am spending time with my parents and my friends. I have never been more thankful for the people in my life. I know that blood is thicker than water, but my friends have become my blood. The relationships I have with my people are indescribable and I constantly thank God each and every day for blessing me with them. I can’t tell you enough how much each of them mean to me, and how being away from them had such an impact on my appreciation for them. I will never take another person for granted and I will be forever grateful for having truly the best friends that I could have ever asked for.

So this blog is to thank you...

Thank you to those who spent time reading about my life.

Thank you to those who took the time to thank me for writing.

Thank you to those who took the time to genuinely ask me how I was.

Thank you to my friends & family for being so supportive.

Thank you to my parents who brought me home.

Thank you thank you thank you.

                           

                That trip taught me more lessons that I could have ever imagined. The second most valuable lesson I learned was to step outside of your comfort zone. "All you need is 20 seconds of insane courage and I promise you something great will happen." And if something great doesn’t happen, and you find yourself unhappy, don’t fake it to please anyone, do what you have to do to be happy. The most important lesson I hope everyone learns is that faking it is no way to go about life. Never forget that your happiness means more than anyone’s opinion of you. Like I said before, you are the most important person in your life, and you deserve to be happy; no matter what.

            I seriously encourage you to do something outside the box. Don’t live your life wondering what could have happened or what something could have been like. Just do it.

I wish all of you the best, especially during this holiday season. Never forget what’s important in life.

God Bless,

Jessica Leigh XOXO

“But the struggles make me stronger, and the changes make me wise, and happiness has its own way of takin it’s sweet time. No life ain’t always beautiful, but it’s a beautiful ride.”

This trip has taught me many things about life, love, happiness, culture, parenting; the list can go on and on. But amongst these, a mixture of culture and happiness has been the most prominent.

 

            American culture teaches us some funny things. There is a common phrase – fake it till you make it. Have you ever really given thought as to what that truly means? I have. I believe that it means having to fake your feelings, the things you do, the way you act; just to make people think you are content, successful, knowledgeable, positive, experienced... When in reality, you usually don’t have a damn clue how to act, feel, do... But as long as long as you give off the perception that you're any one or more of these adjectives then you're doing just fine. Why have we made this phrase such a culturally-known, vital standard to live by? Is faking it really better? I’m sure in some cases it can work to your advantage; however, it doesn’t in mine…

            It has always been a running joke in my group of friends that I am the most outspoken, straight forward, bitch that most people have the pleasure of meeting. I take pride in that. Anyone who has met me knows that I’ll give it to you straight, without fear of hurting your feelings. I have to admit that I’ve grown a bit soft over the years, probably due to my best friend who has calmed me down, thanks. If I don’t like you, the things you do or say, you’ll know it. I don’t believe in faking it. Well I came to Italy having a certain expectation of what I would be doing and it just hasn’t turned out that way. In the beginning I had a rougher time because I wasn’t adjusted, but now, I believe I am adjusted. But what really does adjusted mean? By definition; adjusted is a verb meaning to alter or move something slightly in order to achieve the desired fit, appearance, or result – to adapt or become used to a new situation. I guess in some aspects, I am adjusted to being here, but does one ever become fully adjusted to something? Perhaps. Will I ever become fully adjusted living in another country without my family and friends? Maybe. Am I willing to find out how long it takes? No. Am I faking it till I make it? YES.

            Viky sat me down the other night, looked me in the eye and said, “I know you are not happy here, and I don’t want you to be afraid to tell me that.” In all honestly, being here has a lot of positives; exploring new places, trying new things, learning a new language, eating delicious food and shopping, but it also has negatives; it just hasn’t lived up to my expectations and I am more homesick than I could have ever imagined. She told me that she knows I am trying to be positive and stick this out till December when I am supposed to return home for a few weeks, but she asked me if it’s really worth it. She proceeded to tell me that no one is forcing me to be here and that I am free to leave whenever I would like to. She told me that when she went to the states, if she didn’t have a real job with a contract that required her to stay, she would have been back to Italy in two months. She knows exactly how I am feeling, all too well. She went on to tell me a story;

“There was this woman working at the reception desk at Yale who I did not like at all. She was an absolute bitch and I hated her. So, when I came in to work every day, I walked by her like she wasn’t there. I didn’t say hi to her, I didn’t even acknowledge her. I found JJ trying to explain that I was from a different country and cultures are different and to not take it offensively but, I didn’t like her and I wasn’t going to fake it by saying hi to her, there was just no point. Everyone looked at me like I was such a bitch, like oh my God how could you act that way? I was being me. I was acting the only way I knew how. Now, there’s a woman working in my office that I don’t like, go figure, and it is known throughout the office that we don’t like each other. We don’t say hi, we don’t smile, we don’t acknowledge each other and it’s perfectly normal and acceptable. In Italy, you are respected more for being real and honest than you are for faking it because it’s the ‘right thing to do.’ No. the right thing to do is to be real with yourself and everyone else.”

She was right. I need to stop faking it because that’s what the American culture tells me to do. No one says I need to stick it out because it’s the right thing to do. No one says I have to stay here any longer than I want to. I know this is a phenomenal experience giving me a lot of potential opportunities but is it really for me? I am the only one who can decide that…

           Therefore, we have been throwing the idea around of going home early. I have been going back and forth wondering if I am going to make the right decision by leaving. Am I just being a baby, am I really that unhappy? Will it get better if I stay? Am I going to kick myself in the ass in 10 years for going home? The answer to those questions can honestly go either way. Stephen told me, ultimately, you're going to make a decision about this and ultimately there are going to be great things that come from it and bad things that will come from it. Don’t focus on what could have been, put more of your energy towards what you're appreciative of because of the decision. He is so right. How would I have ever known if I could succeed at this if I never tried? I give myself a lot of credit for coming out here in the first place. A lot of people I know wouldn’t have even made it on the plane.

           No definite decisions have been made yet, but I will keep everyone posted. My advice to those who read this; ask yourself, are you faking something? Are you truly happy with what you’re doing, where you are in your life, the person you are? If not, change it. Who cares what anyone says or thinks. You are the most important person in your life and you hold the keys to your own success and happiness. Think about it…

Till next time - I wish you all the best, God Bless.

XOXX ~ JLI

“We must be Relentless in our will to live, our faith that we will overcome, and our hope that no one will ever have to endure cancer treatment again.”

This is a blog I have put off writing for a bit because I haven’t been able to sit down with a clear head and express my feelings the way I want to. Well, it has been two weeks since the passing of Nate Shatsoff and I find myself thinking of him often, and I knew the time to write has come…

When hearing of a newly diagnosed cancer patient, most people immediately feel for that person; even more people feel when the patient is 21 years old and has stage four colon cancer; and even more people than that, feel when the patient has been a good friend for many years.

I met Nathan in Mrs. Proto’s math class in the sixth grade on the White Team at North Haven Middle School. I’ll never forget one of our first conversations…

“Nate, I’m very fond of you.” His face, slightly flushed with a look of confusion stuttered, "uhh thanks Jess, I um, I guess I’m fond of you too.” His facial expression was more than enough evidence to let me know that the word I had just used was clearly not okay, so I quickly replied, “Wait, what exactly does fond mean Nate?” What seemed like a sigh of relief came right before his very serious definition of the word fond; “It’s like basically being in love with something.” I immediately blurted out, “Oh my god I’m so sorry Nate!!! I totally just meant to say that I’m uhhh, I’m a big fan of yours, I mean, I uh think you’re a great friend.”

           Bright red and feeling like the biggest moron ever, I had spilled my own secret; I had my first middle school crush. Ever since that day, Nate and I remained good friends, occasionally joking about my dumb comment back in the day. We weren’t really in the same group of friends throughout middle and high school, but I still considered him a good friend, and always admired the way he carried himself, his consistent positive attitude, and his wonderful personality. 

With everyone going their separate ways after high school, my friendship with Nate went from the standard hallway conversations and possible run-in at the same party, to an occasional chat on Facebook and chance of being in the same place at the same time during Christmas and/or summer break.

Fast forward a couple of years to the day my best friend and I were driving around town on a beautiful spring day with the windows down, music blasting, without a care in the world. She lowered the volume for a second and told me she heard some news about a friend of ours, but wasn’t supposed to say anything. I obviously begged her to tell me, and once she did, I wish I never asked. “Amanda called me yesterday and told me Nate was just diagnosed with stage four colon cancer and they don’t know what’s going to happen.

I remember not being able to hear anything after that and having a million question, but not being able to form sentences. With the tears running down my face, I was able to snap out of it and asked if he was going to be okay. Not knowing what was going to happen to him, what could happen, why this happened; ate at me for a while. I was too afraid to say anything to him, I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by reminding him that he had cancer, but I wanted to help him, someway, somehow.

Nate started blogging shortly after I found out about what was going on. He would update his blog with how he was feeling, where he was, the progress of his treatment and so forth. I found myself waiting for a post, never to hear the bad news, just to feel connected to him in some way. He ended a post in January 2010 with, 

“This is my journey and it is no longer time to feel sorry for myself. It is time to give back and if the day comes when it's my time, then it will be when I have given everything I could, my knowledge, compassion, and spirit are what I will leave behind. I want to spread my attitude to those in the same situation as me. It may not look good, and there is way too much that is uncertain, but impossible is not in my vocabulary. I know I can do this, I will fight this battle and it will end when I say it's over, this disease will have to do its worst, I am not a professional athlete, I do not have to be the strongest because I am RELENTLESS.”

That right there was the Nate that I admired so much, proving over and over that his positive attitude was like none other. That post made me feel that it was okay to talk with him about his situation, and let him know I was thinking of him.

One late January night, I found myself sitting in bed freaking out about homework, boys, friends, and feeling pretty shitty about myself – ya know, the usual girl drama. School wasn’t going so well and had me feeling like I wanted to give up. I was Facebook stalking – per usual – and started reading one of Nate’s latest blogs. By the end of it, I was bawling my eyes out. Here I was, hating life because of school, and then there was Nate – who had the most positive attitude as an awful disease was taking over his body. Something was seriously wrong with that picture. I wiped my tears (if you haven’t been able to tell, I'm quite the sap) and started writing a message to him. I first told him that I thought of him and prayed for him daily, then told him how inspirational he was. I explained how although my daily battles could never match up to his, I used his words of inspiration to get me through my own problems. I received his response a few hours later;

         

Jess, I'll admit I'm a bit speechless after reading your message. I can't even put into words how much this means to me. I truly appreciate the love and support. Life is crazy and we all have our own battles and demons to conquer on a daily basis, but there's nothing you can't handle because it's all a learning experience. Thank you so much again for the message, sometimes it's difficult to keep going, but knowing I have an entire army of amazing people behind me (including you!) it makes things much easier. If you ever need anything at all, even just to vent, don't ever hesitate! Love always, Nate

Typical Nate, offering an ear to hear me vent about my nonsense when he had something much bigger on his plate. I will forever cherish that message.

 

          You were an amazing person Nathan. Your RELENTLESSness is admirable, and provides me with the strength to get through things I don't think I can. I hope you are resting easy knowing that you have left behind your knowledge, compassion, and spirit. You have touched the hearts of so so many - many who didn’t even have the pleasure of knowing you, and because of that, your legacy will forever live on and you will never ever be forgotten.

All my love…

Jessica

I urge everyone to be Relentless in everything that they do. Please visit http://www.relentlessagainstcancer.org/ for more information. Any and all donations are more than appreciated by the organization, the family and friends of Nate Shatsoff. Take a stand against cancer. I'm relentless, are you?

“Taught to live and let live, so go on and live it up baby.”

I have never been the type to give up on something easily, especially something that I’ve wanted, and I have wanted for some time now, a big change. In one of my first blogs, I said that I need to bite the bullet and deal with this change because it will be the best thing I ever do, but lately I haven’t been feeling very happy. Luckily, I have my dad to re-read that line to me a couple of times a day, reminding me that things aren’t going to be easy. Don’t get me wrong, I do not expect a smooth transition or for everything to be easy breezy right off the skip, but when the going gets tough, I usually go to my family and girlfriends to make me feel better. However, this is the first time in my life that none of these people are a car or train ride away. That in itself is the hardest thing for me to get used to. I know that there are many people who would kill to be here doing what I'm doing, but sometimes, I would kill to be at my mema and pop’s with my parents and brother enjoying some Sunday sauce, or lying in bed with Nicole & million watching a movie, or at Diesel in sweatpants with Jaime & Leigh, or even sitting in Starbucks with Fonda. I know that my friends and family will be there when I go home and so will the things that we do, but not having those simple yet delightful things in my life gives me the blues from time to time. Also, I have been more than blessed with amazing parents who would find a way to give me the world if I asked for it, so if I wanted to come home, I know I would have a plane flight in minutes, but that is something I need to stop taking advantage of. The harsh reality is, that although they will support me however they can for as long as they can (and I don’t mean financially), they will not always be there for me to depend on; I need to start depending on myself. But knowing that they will put me on a plane faster than I could say “I want to come home,” provides me with an amazing sense of comfort, but I need to stop relying on their comfort while I am so far away from them.

Luckily, Viky and Max do a phenomenal job of providing me with comfort every day – it’s amazing how that feeling can help you through the day – which makes being here a little easier on my heart. Viky lived in the states for two years so she knows exactly how I feel, making it very easy for me to go to her when I’m feeling uncomfortable. Although I get extremely frustrated when I am feeling like Giorgio doesn’t like me, I need to take a breath and remember that he too is trying to adapt to something new; me. It will take more than four weeks for us to get used to each other and find a way to have fun together. The good news is that he now calls me “ta-ta” – a way to call your nanny – and knocks on my door when he’s missing me, which brings quite the smile to my face! 

Some days I forget that I’m in Italy, which makes me angry. I’ve always said that I wanted to travel everywhere I can, and every day that passes is a day that I lose the opportunity to do so. Fortunately for me, Viky’s boss’ daughter Mel has been backpacking through Europe for the past six weeks and she stopped in Bologna last Thursday to do some sight-seeing. Finally, someone who speaks fluent English, with a nice thick Australian accent! Thursday night after Mel arrived, we went for Mexican with Viky and her dentist friend Dino. A note to my Milford babes – the frozen margs were delicious but most definitely not as delicious as Cabo and the company was not quite up to par with you guys! We spent the day with Giorgio on Friday before we had some delicious homemade pizza and then called it a night pretty early. We decided to go to Florence for the day last Saturday. Finally, someone to travel with! Thank god Mel is a world class traveler because I have a hard time finding my ass from my elbow, and she was able to direct us around Florence! We stopped at a market downtown - kind of like a flea market back home but much much nicer and not as gross – before stumbling into the Basilica di Santa Croce and the tourist information center, where we found a map and mapped our route to see the Statue of David and then took a bus to the fake (how bizarre?!) statue of David which was located at the Piazzale Michelangelo. We happened to arrive at sunset and it was the most beautiful view I have ever seen. Pictures just do not do this justice, you have to see it yourself! 

  Basilica di Santa Croce - Florence

   

Piazzale Michelangelo - Florence

the real and the replica Statue's of David - Florence

           Sunday, Mel and I took a trip downtown to the Towers of Bologna, also called the Two Towers, and climbed up 498 steps to the top of the Asinelli Tower (the taller one)! Woof it was quite the hike and my ass was burning within minutes. The view at the top, to me, was more amazing than the view at the Piazzale Michelangelo. I felt like I could have stayed up there for days to read, write, or to sit there in silence and just observe. It was the best head clearing moment I have experienced in a long long time.

 The Two Towers - Bologna

 A view of the way up and of the way down!

Some pictures from the view at the top!

            So, although I’ve been having a couple of rough days, I have decided that I am going to grab the bull by the horns and just run with this experience. I have only been here for four weeks, another eight won’t kill me. I will then make the decision about whether or not I want to come back, but as of right now, I am living in the moment and taking one day at a time. Giorgio has just woken up from his nap and is already yelling ta-ta and giggling so I am going to see what this afternoon has in store for us! Check back soon to hear about the latest adventures!

Best wishes & God bless…

XOXX ~ JLI

Ps. Whoever sees my parents next, please give them the biggest hug and kiss from me 

and tell them that I said thank you for pushing me to do this

and believing in me as much as they do.

I am so blessed it’s amazing <3